06/01/06 TOUGH DECISION

I once mentioned it is the decision to be happy that makes one happy. Indeed when the odds are against you, it is a tough decision to make.

I remembered when I was in secondary school when things are going real bad in my house, when my dad gambled hundred over k away and my mum is threatening to either kill herself or him or all of us, I can happily go to school and entertain my friends with jokes. I was still as carefree and playing my erhu with as much enthusiasm as any other member of my group.

The only signs that betrayed my calm n cool was how when I alighted from the bus on my way home, I always checked my kitchen window and the space behind my void deck for my mum or her body. Fear gripped me, every bit of my nerves during that period of time or rather for the whole of my childhood and teenage years.

Had nobody to turn to, my partner then was too self-centred to see beyond her own self-fabricated problems, my sister was too young. But how could I wish somebody understood how I felt? Nobody understood how my parents felt too. Everybody should be able to bear responsibilities for the way they choose to feel.

Today Dr See advised me to delay my chemo because of my throat infection. That really upsetted my mum. She started scolding me and reprimanding me every other minute for having a sorethroat. Beared with it for almost an hour but she just won't stop. Finally after feeling like the greatest sinner on earth for having cancer and sorethroat, I shouted for her to stop it. Didn't help...worse followed.

A lot of times, actually is all the time, when I have this nagging pain in my abdomen, I tell nobody. Because it is always there, I just got used to it. I can't possibly complain every single second of the day right. I may appear fearless and happy go lucky, deep inside, mood fluctuations are more volatile than hydrogen. She cannot understand it, brings me on a guilt trip whenever things are not going the way she expects.

Can I complain and make her feel worse? NO. Nobody understands how I feel, nobody understands how she feels too. Its a different kind of fear I suppose, the fear of leaving vs the fear of losing. At least while I blog, I cry, I think through and be happy again. You, my dear web log, are my channel towards happy thoughts. Mummy's right, though irritating and hurting and stabbing, I must learn to cherish my body more and give her more security by getting healthier.