31/10/05 MY FIRST CHEMO EVER

Show you some pictures of me having my first chemo! Although its been some time since i updated this site of mine.Was happily taking pictures outside NCC then security guard came out to stop me and my sis.
This is the "suite" i was assigned to for the first time, not exactly a suite , just about 10 chemo chairs in one room. Air-conditioned with Tv though, I'm grateful for the kind of treatment I can receive in Singapore as a cancer patient actually.
Me and Piyo! So in love...envious? Hee, she woke up early that morning (10.10.05) just to be with me before she goes to work. I'm so fortunate, had my sis, mom and dear with me.
This is me acting cute n 可怜 in the pic..hahhaha! Look at all the tubes running into my arm, felt super helpless. I still hoped that this chemo treatment will save me and kill the cancer cells though. Love my sis and mum who was by my side all the time, helping me take pictures.

I wanna shout out LOUD everyday that I LOVE my MUM, DAD, SIS and PIYO DEARDEER. Life is so worthwhile because of all of you! 我 爱 妈 妈 、爸 爸 、妹 妹 和 鹿 儿！

18/10/05 SICKENING SICKENING SICKENING

Feel so much better! Had super terrible side effects from Chemo. First of all, the stuff they pumped into me before chemo was horrible enough. I felt so high and sick from it. Then, it was extreme coldness, should say loss of heat. Whole body so cold until I felt my toes freezing up, it must feel like that to die! SCARY. Lasted for 4 freaking hours...I hate it. Super boring, helpless, sick feeling.

The few days after chemo were hell too. One day of pain after another, the whole pelvis area ached like someone banged hammars against me. Then it was the depression, constant pain for 3 days = simultaneous depression = suicidal thoughts. When one seeps into depression, everything seems so bleak. I was sure I won't recover and my tummy won't get smaller. I was so sure I'm one of those destined to die a tragic death.

Luckily the side effects are over, otherwise I'll still be crying every night, having nightmares...couldn't get to sleep at all. Now I'm so grateful the pain is much lesser and I can just do nothing everyday! :p

10/10/05 MY FIRST CHINESE ENTRY

明 天，或者应该说是待会儿便是我生平第一次接受化疗的开始。Before this, I was totally positive. I thought, I am so young and healthy, how can I not survive this?! However, after reading through so many reports online regarding ovarian cancer and patients' mortality rate, I have to admit I'm pretty much shaken. 世事无绝对，原来自己的生与死并不全在我掌控之中。

从来没想过自己竟然有病，而且是病得那么重。真想为自己就很潇洒、很 浪漫地活着，甚至应该如电影情节里头女主角般美丽地走向死亡。现实生活中的我背着 “爱”带来的包袱，无法摆脱的责任是种无形的压力。

父母开始不在乎我有没有给家用，不干涉我交往的对象，不赞成我读书准备考试？！

万万想不到妈妈会有对我那么 温柔的一天，这是癌症给我最大的礼物之一。我衷心感谢神让我有机会接触母亲温柔、慈祥的一面。爸爸和妹妹也对我千依百顺。爸爸为了给予我精神上的鼓励与平 静，费尽心思。妹妹也做到了乖巧、懂事的标准。

我常常哭，每天最少流泪一次。不是因为怕死，是因为家人对我太好了。每想到自己给他们带来无数的麻烦和金钱 损失，亲情近乎无所不能的力量感动得我落泪。

因为发现家人原来这么害怕失去我，我真担心要是神要带我走，灵魂会没办法安心地摆脱身躯……轻盈如梦境里的天使。

当然还有特别的友，你是我不舍得死的一大原因。