28/11 GROANS AND MOANS

I feel so sick. Like I'm constantly running a fever, weak weak weak. Stomach n intestines are rumbling, cramping whenever they like.

Was so depressed last night, I keep having flashbacks of my life, searching for something that I must have done terribly wrong to get cancer as a punishment. Made my parents upset by crying in front of them again.

I have chemo on friday, followed by a week of tormenting side effects. Then 1 whole week with minimal suffering. Then chemo again and the cycle repeats. I desperately need to know I won't live like this for the rest of my life.

My poor mother, gotta cook and think of what to cook for me every single day, boiling all kinds of cooling drinks for me.

I wanna post happy things here also, just give me a few days.

24/11 Woodstock and his hair

Yesterday was great fun! haven't transferred the pictures yet so maybe i'll blog abt it during the weekends.
Due to special request by my dear for Woodstock's pic to be posted and remembered, I shall do so but hopefully no one adds to its humiliation by laughing! Remember, do not embarrass Woodstock by laughing at it...when it was forced to pose for the pictures, I think I even caught baby wawa giggling a bit then running away with a sneer!
Look at the look on her face! Baby wawa was obviously trying hard to conceal her sense of superiority over woodstock and yet happily laughing away... buay tahan.

This is cute little woodstock standing on my purple shawl, its got a lot of golden galleons in it, mind you! Important status in my room as a bank!
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This it pose unwillingly...I think, but I think it looks rather like a member of some rock band...maybe also beatles? :p Cool!
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Luckily all that hair covered its beady eyes in shame, or it will have seen the shock on our faces, me muttering Sadako in fear under my breath! Yikes, Woodstock's nose has never looked bigger, funny I never noticed. Anyway, no matter what accessories you dorned Woodstock, I still like you so much, cutest little bird ever(besides piyopiyo)!

22/11 Harry Potter Craze

The weather is so cool......................and being sick, I get to lie in bed the whole day under my comforter quilt, head plopped with plush pillow, read Harry Potter "The Order Of The Phoenix", as raindrops pitter patter outside my window. An occasional gentle breeze sweeping past my curtains into my room with the temperature so wonderfully cool its tons better than air-con.

Finishing the book at 2.45p.m in the afternoon, soft, slightly cold air caressing my smooth skin (and also head) feels INCREDIBLE!!! This life is crazy, having cancer but feeling like i'm on the top of the world.
Haven't bought the last book 'cos I can't get the paperbacks yet, hard cover's quite expensive isn't it?
My wonderful meimei bought me all these!!!

21/11 Contentment is Bliss

Couldn't sleep the whole of last night, gosh! Wide awake all through till 6 plus in the morning...woke up at 10 plus after that. Thought about so many things when I couldn't sleep, or was it because I thought about so many things, that's why didn't sleep. Cried a little bit, just a lil, most of my time awake was pretty positive.

Why did I cry? Cos I suddenly wondered if it's better to pass away in the hospital or in the comfort of my room, on my own bed. It will definitely be less of a hassle for my family if it happens in the hospital I suppose. But then how cold and uncomforting it is to die on a hospital bed! Yet if I die at home, aren't my parents and sister going to break down everytime they come into my room, having the mental image of me taking my last breath on my own bed. How are they going to cope emotionally and it will be much harder for them to forget the pain. It's my dying comfort vs their living pain. Better try to find a chance to ask them casually which location they prefer.

I would like to focus on the good things I thought of! Opening a shop to sell desserts, learning dressmaking, do teaching part-time, wearing my own designs to school...cool! I'm ELATED. On the cab ride home last night, I feel so 幸福. 我应该是世界上最幸福，最满足的癌症病人了。圣诞节要到了，一种宁静却带有喜庆的气氛萦绕在空气中。呼吸着这样的空气，我的心里有种感动的喜悦。家人和伴侣的关怀、圣诞节、物质生活的满足、又有Harry Potter梦幻故事为我解闷，我真的很开心，原来人生可以如此美好！


Haha, me and deer again, what's new!?

I can use my spare time to brush up on my singing too! I miss ktv actually, think I'll try to hit the high notes at home first, since I've not ran through some new vcds my parents bought for me yet.
Gosh! Now then I realise how bony my face looked then in this picture , yikes...abit too skinny, luckily now my face is more plumped up. This was I think the last time I was at ktv with swap, nad and deer.

Hee I love the flat screen huge TV in da dian shi!!! Singing there so much better than singing in other miserable ktv lounges. That's Faye in mtv acting nuts again by the way.

19/11 REALIZATION

I'm on the third book finally, Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban! Harry Potter is really quite an entertaining and easy read. You know I used to visit borders when the first book first came out, to occasionally be cheap and read it just there. Hee, cos books very expensive mah, I was never in the right mind to spend on them.

It finally occurred to me that since now I'm spending so much time at home, books might very well be my best friend most of the time and the magical, simple style of writing in the Harry Potter series is so suitable for me. Yeah! Indulge!

Wawa has grown so distant from me, she doesn't wag her tail when she sees me wake up anymore.

My baby Wawa is so beautiful and pretty~~~ never fail to charm all the other dogs provided they are male :p

Thank you deardeer for being so sweet yesterday, getting drinks and food for me and friends at starbucks ^_^ I had an enjoyable day. The wig is hot to wear but I'm thankful at least its kind of cute and its a lot nicer than other wigs, and at least I got money to buy a wig! God Bless!

18/11 Sad Little Thoughts

I cried again. While reading about Harry who thought he saw his father conjuring a patronus to save him from the dementors. I guess it made me think about my own condition. Wondering how my loved ones will feel after I pass away, maybe they will also imagine seeing me around when I couldn't be.

I know it's a real negative thought but I cannot brush it out of my mind, I feel guilty that I might leave behind people who love me. But life is like that? It's either A leaves first or B leaves first, however I might be leaving much sooner maybe.

Reading about Harry and Hermione going back in time also made me think of something else. If life has been predestined, aren't we just like a vcd, dvd or video tape? Every event was in actual fact recorded a long time ago.

Okies, gotta face life as it is. Since I'm only getting a little bit of pains here and there today, I shall be POSITIVE! I'm not seeing death today, so can't figure out why I'm gonna die in the near future. Shall go to NCC for my appointment with the social worker Serena and Dr See, then try to find a nice pair of boots to buy :p

15/11 Avocado Magic

What horrible past days I've survived. Today was slightly better, went to Tampines Mall and walked around a while. Was too lazy to wear my wig so simply worn a polo tee and my ski hat.

Meimei was fabulous! bought 5 Harry Potter books for me! I'm so happy. Kinda sick of watching screens all the time, tv screen then monitor screen then handphone screen. I saw a pair of boots I like too, can wear it real long till kneelength and can fold down to become cute ankle boots too, cost only around $60. Might buy it if I can't find other nicer ones, provided they still have my size.

I wonder if anyone have ever eaten an avocado till its seed sticks to the skin. Don't know what I mean? Hee...

Isn't this interesting? The power of the flesh is stronger than the seed! wahahaha...(bo liao) Tada! That's how the seed looks like after being dug out from the skin finally. By the way, Wawa baby LOVES avocado too!

15/11 Pillow and Love :p

This is how my pillow was like every morning last month when I was losing my hair everyday! Its quite irritating cos when I turned to my side, some of the hair will stick to my face and tickles me.

Woke up this morning feeling slightly down.Luckily I managed to sleep last night. The night before was horrible, I woke up at 2am with an excruciating pain in my upper abdomen. Cried in my parents' room, whole family panicked and I thought I could be dying. The pain was so bad, after trying to tolerate it for 15 minutes, I gave in to my family's request and agreed to go to SGH A&E.

On a pain score of 1-10, mine was definitely 9-10 when it started. I forced myself to puke several times on the taxi into a plastic bag. Deer was already at A&E waiting for me with wheelchair, wheeled me right into critical care dept the moment I reached.

A young doctor insisted on giving me a drip, which I HATE cos that means having to inject a plug into the back of my hand :( That's a real thick needle which sticks into your flesh then withdraws leaving a tubing behind.

Then an Indian doctor came in, asked me lots of questions only to go through my previous CT scan, frightened me by telling me its the cancer that's on my abdomen lining that's causing the pain. I don't think that's true because Dr See has never told me anything like that. I feel that it's either the liquid itself causing the pain, or the sluggish guts trapping wind.

I insisted on leaving the hospital after the pain subsided on its own at around 6a.m. My sis and deer was with me all the while, mum n dad went home first to make some food for me. Slept till 2 plus yesterday afternoon.

I'm so afraid this pain is really what the Indian doctor suggests and there might be future seizures. What kind of life is one that's full of unexpected PAINFUL seizures? I can only pray now that my positivity keeps such misfortunes away. Somehow, pain is something that allows negative thoughts to creep back into my life.

Never mind, there are always great things to focus on. This conversation this morning with deer is definitely something to spur myself up, or at least I try a little.
This is my deer, always encouraging me, loving me, caring for me like how my own family members do. As if I was born to be loved, I thoroughly get to enjoy not only my Mum's, Dad's and sister's selfless care, deardeer's constant assurance makes me feel better in times of despair.

13/11 THANK YOU FOR READING ^_^

Really happy to read comments from anyone who happens to come across this page. If you guys are down or have friends who are down, share your thoughts, drop comments for me :) I'm only too happy to respond in this blog k?

Woke up very early this morning, around 6 plus. The nausea and weakness after chemo is setting in. However, I have to constantly remind myself I'm such a fortunate girl, this little discomfort will pass in a few days and if I'm very strong mentally, the physical weakness will only fade faster...

Promised to show my botak pictures right? Okies here they are! Enjoy laughing :p

Wanted to have a clean shave but mum don't allow. I suppose she's worried that if I accidentally suffer a cut while shaving, healing will take time and delay chemo.

12/11 THE BEST CHEMO EVER

Today, I had the BEST chemo I ever had! Mainly cos my attitude towards life had changed for the good, better and best ^_^ and my mum was by my side catering to my needs (妈咪最好！）the whole day as usual~ and I got to watch IRobots the toon movie during my chemo! It was amazing, I was actually giggling, amused by the movie during chemo...it was actually enjoyable! Wanna know the details of my day? Hee...

9 a.m : Blood test, blood didn't flow out naturally but came out in weird spurts then sprays into the test tube...nurse got a shock, I got a shock then small droplets started to squirt out from the side of the syringe...turns out QC sleeping...syringe got hole!! ALAMAK!

10 a.m : My Most BEAUTIFUL Dr See Hui Ti wants to wait for my CA125 blood test results before seeing me, so I was told to wait till afternoon. Thus my mummy and me proceed to the food court to grab some food.

12.30 a.m : Seen Dr See, Chemo booked at 4p.m. She drinks Coke Light and says she's addicted to it. No good lah...hai* As a very loyal Coke Light supporter ONCE UPON A TIME, I adviced her in my most serious tone not to drink it so often...but she says its too late. Sometimes one extra can do make a difference leh.

1 p.m-4 p.m : Met Deer at Novena square for drinks, she passes me laptop which she thoughtfully loaded several movies to entertain me while I have Chemo, sweet sweeter sweetest DearDeer!

4.30 p.m : Scary! Nurse poke plug into my left arm, pushes it deeper, HURTS like xiao! Feels different from other times, super painful today. Then as she pushes it just slightly in, pain like crazy still, my hand started turning purple then blueish. Few other nurses rush in and took that half inserted plug out from left arm, inserts into my right arm. Hee right arm not so bad, pain but its fast pain.
The nurse did make up for her mistake after that also, she was very patient n gentle n careful when inserting other drugs into me. It's much better cos when the drugs are injected too quickly into my bloodstream,ants bites at the tip of the spinal cord, nausea and giddiness will like VROOM rush into your body and depression sets in due to the discomfort. So maybe I have to thank the nurse for this good chemo experience too! 因祸得福 manz!

7 p.m : Chemo done! Best chemo experience I've ever had so far. A positive mentality really plays an important role. Dear and papa came from work to SGH to meet me and Mum, we went to the foodcourt again to eat. It's a great day~


Notice that I'm a little bit fleshier now? Been very happy so eat a lot loh...wahhahahaa. I'm wearing a hat cos botak mah, when I'm a bit bolder, will post my botak picture. Maybe tomorrow?

The black flat file is dear's laptop and this is my third time having chemo thus the handsign.

I know I look kinda strange and alien in this pic, especially when its almost Night at NCC, plus my cap and specs. I always look slightly kuku in specs, tao yan!

09/11 OoPS tsk GETTING USED TO BEING CONTENTED

I was talking about being contented right? Haha, yesterday on the way home from Bugis with my parents, so many expensive cars elegantly displaying their beauty outside the taxi window. Then I saw this woman driving a huge MerZ, envy......then I stopped myself.

C'mon! Who has parents who waits while the child shops in Bugis, then dad waits in the infinite taxi Q while mum shops with the daughter to pass time?! They pay for cab fare somemore, and I am 25! If there's anyone who should stop envying other people, it's ME.

Btw, mum just bought me Oilyfriedghost from market (upon request), walks into the room while I stare at the lovely Nokia 7380 in the monitor, pulls off a small piece of the dough and fed it to me. Life is beautiful ;P

08/11 MY OWN THEORY TO CURE CANCER!!!

Just thought of a theory on Saturday night. Couldn't fall asleep so end up chatting non-stop with deer. This theory I thought of...it's difficult to explain in simple terms but I will try.

Planet Earth is like a human body and lets compare ourselves, all plants and animals as cells. We all have a role in Nature but Man's intelligence coupled with extreme selfishness, is leading to the Planet's doom. We over-consume, invent, industralize and pollute.

Cancer cells behave like that right? They over-consume, robbing the rest of the cells, invading into any other tissue they can get their claws into. Just like Man, populating almost every single piece of good land, wiping out vast forests for land and wood.

The more we behave like the modern Man, the faster our planet dies. So God/Planet Earth has to wipe out some men, too many of us around. Natural disasters, war, sickness...but then both GOOD and BAD men gets killed! Just like Chemotherapy. All growing cells die, normal or cancer.

What is the root of the problem? All these horrible humans and cancer cells, what is the link between them? If I find the link, I might be able to find an answer to solve the planet's problem then do something about the cancer.

Greed.

To be happy is to be contented, be thankful, be appreciative! If mankind had been that, we might not have evolved to be so destructive to our own Planet. I must have been too uncontented, thus cancer grew in my body.

God loves you, even if you have wronged, convert and you will be saved. That's what I'm going to tell my body everyday. I love my body, every cell..whether good or cancer. If you are a cancer cell, I still love you, convert to become a normal cell. Be contented, don't grow in unlimited amounts. I shall start being contented and influence my body to be so.

02/11 OUR MANICURED NAILS AND MY PEDICURED TOES...HEE

Another day has gone by, not ended yet but at least it is night time now. Spent the day lying in front of the TV when mum and sis went to Bugis.

I don't know how to describe my pain, there's ard 3 of them, first one is a sharp stinging running pain along my pelvis bone, attacking the sides at the hips and also at the central.

Second is intestinal and gastric pain where the sluggish gas inside causes the worst kind of wind pain, like I'm constantly having gastric like that, its sickening.

Third kind of pain is weird, feels like someone keeps pinching the internal wall of my abdomen, sometimes pinching from inside my back too.

Anyway, when the pain worsens, its hard even to walk and I HATE IT. Its such a chore to even walk to the toilet now. I hope its just the side effects of the chemo and fluid inside the tummy and NOT the cancer spreading.

I'm Botak now by the way, took picture but don't have the guts to post yet lah, very ugly...show some nicer pictures that I took last time first. These following pictures are from quite long ago...think around 2 months bah, after my operation but before my chemo started.

Yeah! This is one of my most elaborate pedicures :p I love it! hawaiian style with BIG BIG diamonds.

This is my cool cool deardeer looking cool here. We were at BakerzInn at paragon having yummy drinks and dessert, think it was some DELICIOUS Yummy thing.This is her nails after manicure! Check out the funky thumb :p