27/12/05 CONFUSING TUESDAY

WARNING: Extremely naggy naggy twisted piece of entry.


Woke up several times last night, with the pitter patter of......nope, not the rain....it was baby wawa'a four little feet pacing around the house. She couldn't decide which room to sleep in I suppose since my parents n meimei decided to support me by not switching on air-con also(I'm hyper-sensitive to coldness for around a week after chemo).

Laid awake in my bed for so long, worrying about going into remission and how long I can last and how I will react if I'm told to start chemo again next time...ada ada ada and all that negative stuff. Then I told myself if I dreamt about me dead, I'll probably not survive but if I dreamt about living happily then I'll probably not die in the near future. That thought somehow made me eager to go to sleep.

Horribly tiring dreams, involved me running away from people trying hard to kill me. I climbed carpark pillars and pipes in the dream, ran on expressways from racing cars, hid behind this huge 'yong tau hu' store owner because he is the only fat man in the universe that can shield me from my killers. I know, sounds absurd.
Besides running away from assassins(this word has 5 s's in it?!), I also managed to have a dream of myself on a hospital bed, struggling in the dream within my real dream, whether to head towards a light or some dark murky place. The decision will either land me alive again, dead in hell or dead in heaven. Was struggling and struggling to keep myself awake in the dream so I won't die. I know this seems so twisted but it is so, at least in most dreams right?

Woke up once at 3 plus when I said out aloud “ 妹妹不要！我会生气的哦！” because she was trimming the hair on Wawa'a tail in my dream and I was so afraid Wawa's tail will be accidentally snipped. Upon saying that out aloud and awakened by my own paranoid voice, I saw Wawa doing her 'gan jiong' walk into my room.
Can you imagine the surprise both of us had!! At that exact moment I woke up, she happened to walk in. She just stood there and looked at me with eyes wide open in surprise. Turned out she went to the toilet to do business and was just returning to my bedroom to sleep.

-------------------------Time for chemo medi *weak all over*-------------------------------

Okies back to my boring account of what happens at night. Couldn't really sleep well after that, woke up at 5 plus after that, so hungry I had two pieces of wholemeal bread. One with 'organic raspberry fruit conserve' aka natural healthy jam, another slice with homemade cashew nut butter. I'm so lucky...practically surrounded with delicious health food all the time. *munch on red cherries n blueberries while typing away*

This morning, was debating with myself whether to be happy or not. This always happens when the side effects of weakness, nausea and fever is half there. Read the papers about the Tsunami memorials and count my blessings. Always envied those people lazing, reading morning papers in Orchard road cafes, hey! I can do the same thing now! Once I go into my good week. Ok, I should be happy.

Had a real relaxing yesterday actually, while I feel all feverish and weak in bed, trying to read the 3rd book of Narnia. Ros was practising her guitar beside me, soothing me with Romance De Amour.Love the part when it was in minor key, sad sad then after that switch to major all sweet, beautiful and loving again. Very amazing.

Yeah, asked for this for my Xmas present and she got it for me!

This is 2/4 sides of the box set, the lion Aslan suppose to look feirce but I find that he looks sleepy leh, hehehe. I prefer the other 2/4 sides with the winter scene...oOOoO

The queen so pretty and ethereal looking, think she's Fort's fave actress in Constantine, the androgyneous angel.

That green/blue piece of cloth is part of my quilt cover by the way, took this picture with my handphone when I was lying down. Hee, fell in love with her when she played the guitar in tong's house once...*giggles* memories! Even more in love when I knew she taught students in music schools, so cool!

Tada! This is my bed, no wonder I can get to sleep at night, all the animals make so much noise. :p My bed wasn't in this position last time. But mummy insisted on shifting it around for fengshui reasons, she feels that the old position is bad luck but I felt the old arrangement in my room makes it look bigger. Lemme see if I can find a picture of the old style.

There, this is how it looks like after Ros packs everything in place. Usually when she doesn't pack my room, its a battle field of books and magazines and bags and all my other belongings.

This entry is getting sooooo mundane and long, can't stand it. Better start another one! Wahahaha. By the way i wonder how do you store an offline version of a blog?