10/02/06 SLEPT CRYING N WOKE UP GIGGLING

After I took my last dose of Xeloda for this week yesterday night, felt slightly depressed again. The scenerio of me lying on a hospital bed with my family around me keeps flashing across my mind. Involuntarily, the thought of death kept haunting me. Then I was already saying my last words in the scene. Told BL to take good care of my meimei and my parents not to quarrel with each other. That's when I realise whatever I say to Deardeer will be in vain.

My parents will have each other, meimei will have BL so I can 放心 about them. They will go home with a shoulder to cry on at least. But my Deardeer. I'm so afraid to leave her alone. I mean, if I'm really dead and gone Feng, you know it will probably be like in that book, my molecules go into the air and earth after incineration. Part of me will be floating above you in the clouds or in the rivers or as nutrients to some flowers. Most likely, I won't feel a thing as I join God, after the final ordeal is done. I started to cry and cry non-stop when I tried to imagine how she is going to cope with life alone and all the pain she will feel inside when I say goodbye.

It was then a renewed determination to fight on burned in me. I just sat up in bed, with tears rolling down my face and started psycho-ing my body that it MUST start to 振作起来. I don't know how on earth it is going to do that, but I'm adamant not to let Feng be sad. So, started all the chanting of all the chants that people around me has bugged me to chant, my own theory of talking to my body etc...

Until I was hungry. Walked to the living room to grab a handful of pistachios, started shelling and munching. Very soon, I guessed I just forgot about the initial sadness and drifted to sleep. So piggy right. *hai*

----------Morning-----------

Woke up with a vigour to enjoy my day. Yeah!!!!!!! This week no more Xeloda to take!!! I gulped mouthfuls and mouthfuls of plain water happily. Finally no need to worry about vomitting when I drink water! I was simply estatic from being able to drink lots of plain water...a bit xiao liao.

Called Feng and she decided to not work today so she can pack and prepare for our hotel stay~

Me: I also called the school and say I not teaching today le.

Feng: Then the students cry how?

Me: Kick their buttocks loh, then if the parents complain...

Feng: Slap their faces.

Us: WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Me: Yah, if they dare complain, I'll make them queue up at my house and give each one a slap on the face. Must take pictures and paste on my blog as a warning to them.

Delightful! But of course, bo liao. I on hospitalisation leave already what, no need work everyday anyway.

I wanna watch the stupid ji ji bom bom comedy show tonight and Feng promise to sing along to amuse me le, kekeke.

Meimei is soooooooo wonderful, she sacrifice her tuition responsibility and pay for one day for me! for me! for me! *sings to a self-composed tune* It will be so fun today bouncing on the hotel bed with her then taking turns to have a hot bath. Yeeeaah, I'm a happy girl.