03/03/06 HOPE?

This is a very mentally painful period for me, I just seen Dr See yesterday and my chemo drug is changed again. Now I have chemo almost every week, only resting one week after every two weeks of chemo. The side effects this time is pain, similar to the first type of drug I used.

The pain has not come yet, is said to set in after the 3rd day of chemo. I remembered how it was like, all over my body...feels like someone's pulled out the raw nerves and rubbed them with both fingers to and fro. I don't know how to face it besides waiting for it to come and go, then again next week then again the following.

When I was sitting down on the chair with the tube in my arm yesterday, looking helplessly at the clock. Knowing that I will be connected to the bags of medicine through the tube for 1 and a half hours, drove me mad. I wanted to scream and jump out of the chair but I couldn't. It was extremely fustrating, so much so I contemplated death.

After the chemo, I went to see Dr See again. I needed to know where all these treatments are leading me to.

Me: What are the chances of my recovery?

Dr: Out of a hundred, about fifty will get to go into remission.

Me: Then how long does these fifty get to survive?

Dr: The cancer comes back after a few months after they go into remission, the survival span is around 1-2 years.

Me: That means I only have 1-2 years? I will not get to live past 30 years old? I'm only 25.

Dr: (Nods her head with tears in her eyes.)

Me: Then how will I die?

Dr: Most will eventually suffer from kidney failure from the fluid build-up then go into a coma and die.

Me: Even dialysis will not help?

Dr: (Nods her head with tears in her eyes.)

There was nothing I could ask anymore. All I could do was cry and that's what I do on and off since last night till now. My family is 100% supportive and Dear came over to lie beside me and watch me fall asleep before she went home.

I am thankful for everything I have. However, the thought of having such a short time to live and probably having to tolerate chemo during long periods of whatever life I have just scares me so much.

I thought the most beautiful part of my life just started, me and Dear finally managed to get together again. We have the financial ability to get a flat, live together and build a wonderful future, go travelling and see the world in each other's eyes. I wanted to take good care of my parents and give my mummy the best years an old lady can ever get. Now all these crumbles and seem so impossible.