30/12/05 WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD

Woke up naturally to sunlight flooding in through billowing white curtains. It's such a lovely morning.

*munches on my never-ending supply of berries*


Went to Ktv last night, so cold till my insides shivered. Could actually feel my ribcage trembling! Luckily got jiemei's jacket and jiefu's super thin shirt for cover. Manged to sing "It might be you" and "Come what may"...both me and feng's songs.

Found a cassette that Deardeer Feng recorded her own guitar playing of the song "It might be you" , was a 2001 Xmas present. That year I gave her in exchange, a heart-shaped cake me n mummy baked. We were not attached then, but so sweet already!!! Buay Tahan!!!

Was just looking through Xiuwan's photos from her Thailand trip, found some which really reflect my mood.

This is a rainbow and its spirit ( double rainbow...a smaller, faint one is above the main one) bridges right across the sky of Bell mountain Phu Kradang.

Okie, I'm not gonna say the usual cliche stuff like after the thunderstorms and heavy rains, a miraculous sight to behold always takes our breath away gently yet surely etc...oOps I've just said it! *clasps hands over mouth in mock surprise*

You know, this picture taken by Xiuwan is Lomsak Cliff. I'm a cliff in my own way now. Taking in the best view of the world, looking at everything from the most wonderful point of view. Only from such an angle and position, I can see my world in its most beautiful light.

Yet this euphoria can only be acheived from the most dangerous spot, the tip of the cliff. One step amiss and death awaits beneath the rocky mountains. As I breathe in all the love and wonder of my surroundings, it's both wary and exhilarating.

So bless me, that I can take in all this beauty, descend safely from the cliff. Forever remembering how appreciative I should be of all the happiness that God embraces me with.

29/12/05 Presents and Presents

Today is shopping day! Smsed SwAp to ask what she want for New Year's present, she answer help her look for gf...I'm going to work hard on that with Feng today! Jia you Niki! You can do it!

I'm so touched by the presents I received this Xmas although I wasn't even out to have fun. Look at this! And This!
So Sweet right!!! Gonna bring the cute cute pinky bath beads to use at Conrad since I don't have a bathtub at home. What I like most about this present is the name of it all! What a lovely name for creams and essence and me... ;P Thank you Tong!!!

See? Angel's Secret. WooOoo Shhhh... *silly grinz*

And thank you Mok and Sean! You cool dudes go shopping for this gu niang key pouch. My mum was so happy when she saw you pass this to me Mok, she is so tired of my old huge rubbery keychain that meimei gave to me after my operation 2 years ago.

But I do love my old keychain so much too! Got my name(though misspelled :p) on it, somemore its so big I can always find it, not that this key pouch isn't quite as big too, haha!

I have a confession to make. As much as I love presents like everyone else does, I'm scared of them too. There's this huge huge huge collection of new soft-toys in my house, which is increasing every year. I am simply so worried of receiving another soft-toy, so worried I BEG my students to just give me a red pen for Teachers' Day every year. Now I have tons of red pens overflowing from a box I bought just to keep them.

I'mI have too much of un-usables, like soft-toys, keychains, ornaments, figurines, photo frames( too many in the house is freaky) etc, but children, their parents, colleagues and friends keeps piling them onto me year by year. Anyone feel the same way?

Cheers Minling! For getting me Winnie the Pooh tissue packs from bangkok , I'll just keep the usual Hello Kitty I use and start absorbing stains, sweat and oil with Pooh's butt!! Waahahhaa *evil luff*

28/12/05 PAIN IN MY BONE

Woke up with a sharp pain in my right pelvis bone this morning. I truly understand the paranoia that sick people feel now. Read somewhere that breast cancer and cancer in the abdomen has a high chance of spreading to other organs and bones, reminded me of this guy with bone cancer I met in Kampong Senang. He had trouble even just lying straight in bed because the pain in his thigh will be too much to bear. An auntie told me he is suppose to go for amputation but insisted on trying healing through the right foods and lifestyle. I wonder how he is doing now.

Well, what is Kampong Senang? It's this wonderful place down at Tampines Street 81(I think) Blk 840. Every Saturday they will sell organic food and groceries. Other days, they have courses, talks, volunteer programs all for the benefit of people who are sick. Across the block, there's another affliated organisation for children who have difficulty in learning, where my inspiration for blogname 'xiaodoudou' came from!

My mum's friend...hmm Ros called her the Organic Auntie, she volunteers there every week, delivering a variety of organic groceries to the homes of cancer patients.

She has told me about this woman she met whose husband left her after she got cancer, I didn't know how to respond because I could not understand or even imagine that kind of pain. All I can say is, "Thank you Feng, for not forsaking me and in fact loving me more when I was at my lowest."

This is Kampong Senang (KS)'s front door. It's situated at the void deck, with chairs and tables for people to enjoy an organic meal on Saturdays.

This is a corner room where medical advice is given to helpless and poor patients I guess, I've never been inside though.

KS has its own Organic fruit and Vegetable farm at the doorstep! Cool~~ Meimei brought Wawa for a walk around the mini plot before.

Places like this offer such comfort and consolation to people like me. Seeing all the other cancer-striken people made me feel I'm not alone in this world of misfortunes. From there, slowly, learnt to appreciate the concern and love I enjoy from family, dear n friends.

27/12/05 鹿儿鹿儿，你真好。

鹿儿，你真好。每天辛勤工作为了我，早出晚归只陪我。
你赚多多的钱，买好吃的给我，好看的送我，剩下的存起来给我大大的 security。
你好乖，别的女孩都不多看一眼。你好笨，和可能没有将来的我在一起。
离开我 5 分钟上厕所你都说舍不得，我说你傻，其实我也想了你5 分钟。
我们真无聊，hee! 几乎天天呆在家。但天天出门也很无聊。可都总比天天在医院好多了 right?
从今年一月起，我们从新开始时，我已经很感激上天给我们这个机会。被你关怀的感觉比以前更好，因为你会和我沟通了！我感觉拥有了世界上最完美的感情。
八月生病后，我以为是天不作美。完美的事物总是短暂。
但是你却更坚定，让我们更理解爱情的意义。
谢谢你鹿儿，一直等着我。因为你以前那么认真和宽容地爱我，让我常常想着你。还有你不倦的关怀和宠爱，减轻了我不少的痛苦。最重要的是，你教会我什么是爱情。

27/12/05 CONFUSING TUESDAY

WARNING: Extremely naggy naggy twisted piece of entry.


Woke up several times last night, with the pitter patter of......nope, not the rain....it was baby wawa'a four little feet pacing around the house. She couldn't decide which room to sleep in I suppose since my parents n meimei decided to support me by not switching on air-con also(I'm hyper-sensitive to coldness for around a week after chemo).

Laid awake in my bed for so long, worrying about going into remission and how long I can last and how I will react if I'm told to start chemo again next time...ada ada ada and all that negative stuff. Then I told myself if I dreamt about me dead, I'll probably not survive but if I dreamt about living happily then I'll probably not die in the near future. That thought somehow made me eager to go to sleep.

Horribly tiring dreams, involved me running away from people trying hard to kill me. I climbed carpark pillars and pipes in the dream, ran on expressways from racing cars, hid behind this huge 'yong tau hu' store owner because he is the only fat man in the universe that can shield me from my killers. I know, sounds absurd.
Besides running away from assassins(this word has 5 s's in it?!), I also managed to have a dream of myself on a hospital bed, struggling in the dream within my real dream, whether to head towards a light or some dark murky place. The decision will either land me alive again, dead in hell or dead in heaven. Was struggling and struggling to keep myself awake in the dream so I won't die. I know this seems so twisted but it is so, at least in most dreams right?

Woke up once at 3 plus when I said out aloud “ 妹妹不要！我会生气的哦！” because she was trimming the hair on Wawa'a tail in my dream and I was so afraid Wawa's tail will be accidentally snipped. Upon saying that out aloud and awakened by my own paranoid voice, I saw Wawa doing her 'gan jiong' walk into my room.
Can you imagine the surprise both of us had!! At that exact moment I woke up, she happened to walk in. She just stood there and looked at me with eyes wide open in surprise. Turned out she went to the toilet to do business and was just returning to my bedroom to sleep.

-------------------------Time for chemo medi *weak all over*-------------------------------

Okies back to my boring account of what happens at night. Couldn't really sleep well after that, woke up at 5 plus after that, so hungry I had two pieces of wholemeal bread. One with 'organic raspberry fruit conserve' aka natural healthy jam, another slice with homemade cashew nut butter. I'm so lucky...practically surrounded with delicious health food all the time. *munch on red cherries n blueberries while typing away*

This morning, was debating with myself whether to be happy or not. This always happens when the side effects of weakness, nausea and fever is half there. Read the papers about the Tsunami memorials and count my blessings. Always envied those people lazing, reading morning papers in Orchard road cafes, hey! I can do the same thing now! Once I go into my good week. Ok, I should be happy.

Had a real relaxing yesterday actually, while I feel all feverish and weak in bed, trying to read the 3rd book of Narnia. Ros was practising her guitar beside me, soothing me with Romance De Amour.Love the part when it was in minor key, sad sad then after that switch to major all sweet, beautiful and loving again. Very amazing.

Yeah, asked for this for my Xmas present and she got it for me!

This is 2/4 sides of the box set, the lion Aslan suppose to look feirce but I find that he looks sleepy leh, hehehe. I prefer the other 2/4 sides with the winter scene...oOOoO

The queen so pretty and ethereal looking, think she's Fort's fave actress in Constantine, the androgyneous angel.

That green/blue piece of cloth is part of my quilt cover by the way, took this picture with my handphone when I was lying down. Hee, fell in love with her when she played the guitar in tong's house once...*giggles* memories! Even more in love when I knew she taught students in music schools, so cool!

Tada! This is my bed, no wonder I can get to sleep at night, all the animals make so much noise. :p My bed wasn't in this position last time. But mummy insisted on shifting it around for fengshui reasons, she feels that the old position is bad luck but I felt the old arrangement in my room makes it look bigger. Lemme see if I can find a picture of the old style.

There, this is how it looks like after Ros packs everything in place. Usually when she doesn't pack my room, its a battle field of books and magazines and bags and all my other belongings.

This entry is getting sooooo mundane and long, can't stand it. Better start another one! Wahahaha. By the way i wonder how do you store an offline version of a blog?

26/12/05 I DON'T FEEL LIKE BLOGGING

Ros: Then don't... :)

Ok, but I wanna complain. Felt so sick for the past few days. Can you imagine being nauseous 24 hours a day? Even right before sleeping? Consecutively for 5 days?????? How long more do I have to go? How am I suppose to know if I will be well ever again? *cries in my heart*

23/12/05 SING ME TO SLEEP

I drew this myself *PROUD* Let me explain this picture of love. The big lower rectangle is my bed. The smaller upper one is a 'di lum' mattress my sis dragged into my room.

Why did she sleep on a di lum when she has her own room and bed? Because my mum is angry with my dad again(as usual) , thus decided to sleep with Wawa on a King size bed behind locked doors. My dad was reduced to sleeping on my meimei's bed thus she is reduced to sleeping on a di lum with me.

Now why is my mum angry with my dad? His company had a happening business party that involves a Carlton dinner then an exclusive VIP room gathering in MOS. Yah the clarke quay Ministry of Sound MOS, not the MOS BURGER fast food restaurant lah. Mum thought the gathering must be at some nightclub ktv with china hostess, but when dad ran away from all the noise and seemingly crazy possessed dancers in MOS, we all knew it should be ok.

After chanting the Soka scriptures with my sis for 5 minutes, I suddenly feel like being sung to sleep. Since dad loves to sing, we invited him over to my room to sing us oldies. We were never that close to him. So it all happened in a strange spontaneous way.
So that guy lying between me and my sis is him, singing...humming away with his low melodious voice. I was tearing abit cos it all felt so amazing, never dreamt that my dad will finally become a family man.

Finally he sang till he was so tired he started to talk and talk about his colleagues. It was boring fun but still ok, an insight to his work. By the way, the extra circle you see in the drawing beside my bed, that's my rubbish bin on standby in case I puke, its DEFINITELY NOT an extra head though it looks exactly like meimei's, dad's and my head in the picture.

22/12/05 CHEMO 3A DONE

Okies now 3a is done, left 3b, 4a and 4b. Hopefully by 4b, my CA125 tumour marker count will be in the normal range which is below 35. Its currently 62.4, which means dropped around 20 points since my last blood test. Cheers!

Brought baby Wawa to the groomer Pawfrenz at Upper East Coast Rd yesterday. Finally decided its a wee bit cruel to always tie her hair in a top knot. Although its a popular and common way of dolling up a Shih Tzu, I can't help but wonder if Wawa feels uncomfy all the time, or whether it will damage her eyelids in the long run.

Before I gave the final nod to let the groomer go ahead with the puppy cut(short, neat look), took some memorable pictures of Wawa with long hair...beautiful, messy n cute.

The first picture is one with her smiling..looking all pretty and prim. The middle one shows her naughty look, messy but tongue-adorable. The last one is her with all facial hair trimmed, always reminds me of a bandit! A cute little bandit though.

Watched KingKong last night, sit in the cinema until the tip of my spinal cord is sore. Could be an old injury *thinks of the first time I tried blading in ECP with an irresponsible careless instructor/friend :p

Must thanks Ah Hong for lending me the Korean Show. Entertain my mother and sister lots, they are practically addicted to it! I just adore the actress in the show, I'm gonna strive to be as pretty as them when I get well! Met Eloise at United Square foodcourt before I went for my chemo today, she actually recognises me with specs, ski cap and all. Amazing~~~ Way To Go Jiemei!

21/12/05 2-3 YEARS, DO I HAVE A CHOICE?

Trina Tiff and me met up last night. Surprisingly Trina talked to me about Soka which helped her and her mum passed through the hard times. Her mummy got Colon cancer and doctor gave her the worst case scenario which is 5 years of life. She chanted and chanted Soka scriptures and prayed for 10 years more so she can watch Trina grow up.
I don't know...hai* At least most doctors gives their patients worst case scenario, mine giave me the BEST case scenario already, which is 2-3 years. Do I still have a choice?

Its been more than 10 years and she still survives, Trina gaves me more testimonials and urge me to try chanting "Nam Myo Ho Reng Gay Gyo" for 5 minutes everyday.
I respect and love Trina so much as a friend and will try it. Cheers Tri.

As usual Tiff was very bubbly and chatted with us throughout the meet-up, I was quite distracted though, as usual, always couldn't concentrate properly when talking...tsk.

Came across two couples, think one couple broke up and the other couple is in disagreement. Ros always say whenever she sees couples quarrelling, she wanna walk over and kok their heads. Shout at them to tell them how silly they are wasting precious time disagreeing with each other.
The two of us wanna spend a lifetime together but we might not have the luxury. She has to cope with the fear of losing me any day. Even before I got cancer, we hardly ever had a disagreement, not even quarrel. Its simply all about love and acting out of love.

Sometimes one can forget to act out of love and raise her voice or make demanding statements, but we can always learn. I've met enough gfs to learn that fact I feel. Now me and Ros are super appreciative of the way we communicate. XH, sometimes I wish you can try too. You're a cool person, why let the way you talk and demands damage your relationships everytime?

Saw this picture in Deer's blog...she took it in the airport sometime early this year in June maybe.( we found out about my cancer in August) I was reading in the airport terminal 2 burger king I think. She loves this pic, name it "my dream gal".

Mok say I look like ghost in the picture, LOL. Even if ghost I feel should be a pretty one lah hoh? Of course pretty lah! cos over exposure to light mah...the blur blur le.

Gosh, miss my silky hair, even if its short like in the picture.

19/12 A WALK DOWN TOWN

Dear Diary,

Next week 22nd Dec I will be having chemo, definitely gotta spend Christmas at home. Decided to go town dating with Deer and she brought me to Loewe to see if got the bag I want! The Amazona range in Singapore so limited, all not nice one and the salesgal say must wait for 2 weeks then will import some stock.

Wahahaha but managed to take picture with one of the 'bags' :p got some people walk past saw deer taking pictures for me, gave me that queer look...hee! Who cares! I do what I like~

There was this huge tree in Ngee Ann City, knowing my liking for Christmas trees (I mean, when do you have chance to doll up a tree?!) Went to that tree, wanted to take picture...gosh so many people were there taking pictures of that humongous thing. Then this sign caught my eye!

"High Voltage Please Do not touch Thank you" , waah imagine if I'm like the tree got 电力can be so attractive! to avoid being electrocuted, I used the pen Eloise jiemei gave me to point at the sign. Can't see the pen clearly from this picture, it's actually a rubber pen with a hand as the head n the forefinger pointing outwards. There's even a smiley on it, thanks for cheering me up Jiemei! I've put your gift to good use!

Then I saw these two totally awesome guys running past me! *screams*"Chase after them! quick quick I wanna take picture!"

Piyo gave chase but only managed to take this as she uses her tiny voice to say "excuse me", they still didn't stop.

See the ...errm do you call them Trojans? By the way the sign on the right hand side is my favourite branded anagram of four L's -- Loewe!

After a while I understood why the two macho trojans didn't stop, they were heading for the toilet. Kekeke. So me and deardeer stationed outside Loewe happily to wait for them.

Hahahahha LOL I like this picture manz. Look at their sexy little split up skirts! Even the armour has got the shape of nipples cast in them! I think the right guy went toilet forgot to check his look in the mirror, notice his cape is all messed up in front unlike his mate?

After a while, I decided I had enough of Loewe...3k for my amazona bag and no stock as yet, and no advance orders can be taken. What the heck, I asked deer to save her wallet for next time(maybe 2 weeks later? ;PpP)

Hoohoo! with the cool weather and all Xmas ambience in the air, its too romantic a night. Can't stand all the bliss that surrounds us! As we stepped out of taka into the cool night sky, with the lights in her eyes and my hand in hers tightly clasped, I know this makes up for any Xmas night that I'm going to stay home at.

Even the Africans celebrates my love with their HOONGAS WOONGAS. Spoil the sweet sweet mood! But added some comic and laughter as always.

Ever since January 21st this year, me and deer always either laughing or smiling, never been so happy before. For almost a year, we've only had I think 2 disagreements? I've finally have a taste of true love, there's no need for forgiveness in this relationships as we can do no wrong in each other's eyes anymore. Found this kid right in the middle of Orchard road clutching a balloon. His mum and sisters were urging him to walk but he's just too tired to move anymore. Super cute kiddo, sulk n sulk squatting there with all the adults around him.

When I squat down beside him, his big round eyes just look at me blur blur,ha! ADORABLE!

Trust me this picture do not do his big soulful eyes justice at all. His family were all trying to catch his attention so he would look into the camera, so he blur blur look up. After a while he decided he's getting too much attention and promptly stood up to baby walk away. Love it when kids walk in their cute fashion, *does a baby walk too*

Headed for heeren after that. Sitting near the fountain and talking made us super happy already. After that met tong they all for supper. Took several unflattering pictures of us at the dining table digging for coconuts. Well if all agrees, maybe we should post them in this blog!

For now, I better not incur the wrath of everyone by displaying our most oily faces. By the way the char kway tiao beside meridien sux! All black black and dry, don't go and eat~~

19/12 WE'VE GOT TITLES NOW!

Yeah! I've finally found the title field for this weblog....now the archives are soooo much neater and I can read back so much easily. Spent the morning arranging the titles of past entries and saw my botak picture. Realized my hair is still pretty much in the same state now, sianz...when will I get my luxurious sexy long silky mane back???

Went to ah bao's house yesterday, super fun...new house and all plus got ice-cream cake n Xmas tree...whee! Takes a million years to upload the pictures so while I'm waiting, type a few more 废话 :P

Mango Tango ice-cream cake, yummy but mummy say I can't have mango so I only took a little bit. Good also, anyway I'm gaining weight FAST these few weeks.
Of cos, knowing me and friends, we don't just eat without having some fun! Since ah bao just got married, dry ice reminds her of the romantic walk down the aisle on her wedding night...so she got a pitcher of water ready~~~~




OooOOooh...look at the sublimation taking place! All the cool cool fog so exciting!!! We're going to be snow princesses!



As we squeal with excitement like little piggies, screaming that the fog will all escape.
XY: we must quickly close the box then trap a lot of fog le, release all at once and fill up the dining area!
Me: cool!! quick quick pour more water inside then close the box!
Hahaha, cam see the teeny weeny trail of mist escaping from the corner of the box?

Tada! :( not spectacular or as magnificent as I expected. Boo...

Maybe blowing at it will help? *huffs and puffs* hee not bad, got pretty effects.

Always wanted a christmas tree in my room for xmas, just for the festive mood. But I always thought waah the tree so big, then after xmas keep where? So troublesome, I just didn't know that it can be dismantled and kept in a neat little box until ah bao told me yesterday!

How SUAKU can I be??? I'm such a mountain turtle its totally embarrassing. Anyway was so excited to see a tree in ah bao's house, hee!

This is the picture with the tree but my face looks a bit stiff leh. Try another one.

Okies my face looks so much better here, can see that got more flesh le hoh...rosier and fleshy. Look at my fat rosy cheeks! and of cos try to ignore that pixelated tummy of mine, its totally big and 'I don't know how to describe' kind of swollen. Cannot let anyone see that part so must do some home-made pixelation :p

Cannot blame me right! I know I eat a lot :( I know I'm a closeted glutton ( deer will choke at the word 'closeted' I think) but its also the fluid producing cancer that's bloating my tummy okie! I'm sure if without that fluid I definitely won't have such a thick waist one loh!!!

15/12 LOVE

After listening and knowing what happend between my selfish friend and her gf, I'm very enlightened. Side track a bit...妈妈刚刚拿一碗热呼呼的面线汤进来房间给我！她讲怕我等一下要吃药，会肚子空空，伤到胃。好感动！

Okie, back to the enlightenment part. After trying persistently for years to change this friend for the better, it seems like nothing works. She is as selfish as ever, in fact has developed some kind of delusion that she actually was a better person some years back when she was with this ex.

Which was entirely untrue. I remembered her being selfish towards her friends then, and also complaining about that gf. So she's just imagined she was a better person.

Recently, she just flared up at me for stupid reasons, after that turned to her gf and when they broke up early next morning, she wanted to chat with me n hang out. I'm so glad Deer advised me strongly not to be close or be bothered with her anymore.

I have this strong urge to counsel her n listen to her pour her troubles again, but I guess if its going to demerit what my loved ones have been doing for me, its not worth it. I have done a lot as a friend and not going to be taken for-granted again. I can't take another more emotional burden, temperamental outbursts etc...contentment n happiness is crucial for my condition.

(I know this pic looks a bit out of point, but all words n no pic makes a boring blog right!)

Shucks, I was off track! Suppose to talk about enlightenment. I realise from their relationship, the way they behave with each other, that LOVE is very important.

When there is love, we put our loved ones in the first place and ourselves in the second place. Sounds like we are on the losing end? Nope. If A puts B in the first place and B puts A in the first place. Aren't both of them in the first place? Its a win-win situation! Just much sweeter and works out like a charm.

That's why I chose to put Ros in the first place, after I see how she always value my opinions first, considered my feelings first, check my comfort level first. This is so harmonious and perfect and I've never been in such heavenly love before.

I put my family first and they put me first as well, so we will just continue to love love love till the end of time :p

14/12 IRRITANT

I'm so freakin bored. Finally the side-effects are wearing off, tomorrow will be Thursday, the day which I'm usually fine to hang out. Irritating self-defensive XH has once again tried to push me ard with her rudeness, sometimes I don't know why I bother to try to be nice to her.

Don't friends ask if their gfs is at their house now? Its like one of the most common questions to ask someone with a gf. Seeing that her gf's username is awfully grammatically incorrect, Deer n me feels that she should help out n also help with her assignments. Told her that and I get rude curt replies again. Comments that I ask too many questions.

Thinking of this incident makes me feel my bad cells come alive again, I actually got so upset and cried. Damn! *waves fists in the air*
Deer says she spends every single of her minute trying to make me a happy and contented princess and XH ruins her efforts by being an ungrateful selfish irritant.

Finally XH apologizes, saying that she was abit over-defensive cos her gf is sick. ????? Is that the weakest link? If it is, I don't even see it. Sorry. If nobody even attack your gf, why are you being defensive in the first place? Are you disillusioned?

So being sick gives people's gf a right to be rude and crazy? Then does deer have to go screaming at everyone who chats up with her? Wahahha, madness.

11/12 Ahhh...SUNDAY

Most people hang out on weekends. I'm stuck at home.

Was showering and thinking about why chemo scares me. Since the first time I had it, everytime the thought of sitting in that chair still brings about nausea. I suppose its the helplessness, the discomfort and the sudden impact of nausea n weak feeling that hits as the medication flows into the body.

Its too sudden. Just sitting there for the initial few minutes, and I go from feeling like a perfectly normal person to a sick, weak depressed being.

I'm still lucky though. Whenever I'm stuck at home suffering, I'm totally enveloped and protected by my family and Deardeer. Every morning, I get a flask of barley or green bean water to warm up my stomach. If I feel nauseous, meimei n mummy will fuss over me, giving me my pills. They go to the extent of fetching me water n counting the pills I have to take.

After that, its warm breakfast and also fruit juice freshly extracted.Dad will go downstairs to see if he can buy me any snacks I like to lift my mood. This morning its blueberry cheese soft bun.
Dear is on her way back from Batam finally. Just sent me an sms to say she's on the ferry, will look for me once she reaches SG.

I cannot imagine how other cancer patients get on with their lives. If I was destined to be sick this lifetime, I can only thank God for giving me this wonderful family and a perfect girlfriend.

09/12 A FRIDAY WITH ROS IN BATAM

Just got home from chemo 2b. It goes like this, every chemo consists of one 2 Hour IV drip thingy and 7 days of tablets. Its around 10 tablets per day and the side effects are sickening. Then I rest for a week and do the same thing again for another week. That will be one cycle.
This is the drip and IV thing I was talking about, bags of liquid n chemicals dripping into the arm throught lots of tubes and needle.
Before the dripping starts, some anti-nausea medication has to be injected into my arm first. The weird thing is, those 2 injections causes nausea and depression almost immediately.
Feel so sick n uncomfortable after the injections cos my stomach always got this impulse to turn itself inside out, and the tip of my spinal cord near the backside will have horrible pins and needles.
However not to worry, the discomfort lasts for around 2 hours while the pins n needles around 5 minutes. Still bearable, just sickening.
I had done 1a and 1b, that's one cycle. Then 2a and today 2b, that's another complete cycle. Next session will be on the 22nd Dec Thurs cos Dr See will be on leave on the 23rd. That means I've gotta bear with the side effects of chemo on the 24th n 25th while everyone else gets to go for christmas parties!

That's gonna feel so much like yesterday when everybody can dance their hearts out after midnight while I behaved like Cinderella in suede boots.Btw, this is me in my boots but cos my house floor is very dark green, its quite difficult to see them :( Again to prove that I'm narcisstic beyond hope, my eyes are like slanted cos I wanted sis to take picture yet I can't tear my eyes away from my own reflection in the full-length mirror beside her. Wahahahha, love yourself!

Then tonight n tomorrow night deer is stuck in batam with her company people, feel a bit odd without her in sg.

Think of it another way, at least I'm running back home to the love of my family last night. Daddy actually waited downstairs for me with mummy, so that he can help me carry deer's laptop upstairs. Deer downloaded Chicken Little into her lappie so I can watch it during chemo today.

Though Deer not around in Sg with me, I'm really glad she promised not to smoke, drink alcohol n eat poultry. She also made sure she will contact me every 3 hours in case I'm paranoid abt her safety or I'm bored. Physical presence is important but okies lets take its as 小别胜新婚！

---------------------------------------------Dinner----------------------------------------------

Had kangkong, bittergourd and sea bass with white rice tonight. Brown rice is super nutritious and non-fattening but my gastric will have problems digesting after chemo, thus gotta eat the simple refine stuff tonight. Nowadays my mum will cook some fish and also stir-fry vegetables, last time it used to be fully steamed vege n rice only!
This is what I used to cook for an all-organic meal, brown rice, steamed kangkong, steamed ladies' fingers and steamed broccoli. Very bland stuff with minimal miso paste seasoning and grapeseed oil. Anyone can eat a hundred plates and not get fat.






I tried to blend hazelnuts then add water and frutose to make hazelnut paste dessert that night too. My nails were so nice then!!! I paint n deco myself one....but today my nails like shit, the polish half gone le but I got no energy to repaint.
Ros posing for me. Everyone likes the hazelnut paste except for me, I prefer hazelnut pralines choco more. Talking about the past now reminds me of the 30 over birds my mum bought once to let some tibetan monks free in my house. Magnificent sight the little birds, baby Wawa was so fascinated by them, MUST blog about them next time.

At dinner just now, we were talking about how long meimei and BL together already. She say 1 year 3 months and its their anni today, I feel a bit bad cos I know she's staying home to accompany me as its my chemo day. Anyway Dad commented, " wah so long! already confirm le then." Me and mum immediately protested, " such a short time only!" I was with my first ex for almost 3 years then my last ex for almost 2 years, still don't feel that was significant enough.

Dad: Together for 1 yr plus, still together very good, must be confirm le.

Mum: Some couples 40 years also can break up.

Sis: Wah someone hint hint liao.

Mum: Cos the man unfaithful mah, I tell you be careful ah!

Dad: can seperate still good, most scary is those who 分不开 already...(hinting that my mum tied him down? :p )

Everyone: hahahahaha

Me(with tears in my eyes, trying not to let anyone see) was thinking in my heart. Worse should be only few years, don't wanna 分开 but gotta be seperated. I suddenly feel so bad towards Deer. Sometimes I wanna tell you, I'm so sorry I didn't take care of my body and got cancer. Its so unfair for you to have to go through all these with me.
If I were to die and leave you alone in this world, I cannot imagine the pain you will have to bear with. Same for my family, everytime I think of the pain and sorrow I might cause my loved ones, I feel so helpless.

Okies enough of negative stuff *yanks my non-existent hair and pulls myself out of depressing thoughts*

Look up folder for funy pictures.....hmmm. Have I recorded this before?
Took this picture in Taka side entrance. Used to smoke outside this entrance cos quite obscure. Yes I've quited smoking already, c'mon I got cancer leh!! Of cos I stop smoking! Xiao ah!
See the little sign I was pointing at? Never noticed it but when I did...HILARIOUS!
The management of Taka actually worried that shoppers might be so stupid to KIAP their fingers into the hinges of the glass door?! And the picture was so funny, got big red bloody detached finger drawn to accentuate the effects.
*paranoia sets in* oh no, I better be careful when I use that door nowadays after this mean entry.

Yeah! meimei so sweet, she's not going to ECP to join her friends cos I said don't want her to 'cultivate' bad habit of going out only after dinner to hang out. I better give this a closure so she can start reading.

09/12 ZOUK NIGHT

Just got home from Zouk. It's a really smoky stinky environment. Used to really enjoy smoking and drinking myself silly on nights out like this.

Met an old friend Jo for dinner. She was such a drinker! Really happening clubber, but now discovered some problems with her nervous system, then spinal cord...resulting in serious bone problems n breathing difficulties.

Although I would love to hang out with my friends in the night, get high, dance and chill out in the dark ambience of a club, I guess I'm sort of destined to grow out of all these. It was fun though tonight, was wearing my boots and my newly bought Marc Ecko watch! Furthermore, so many old friends couldn't recognise me...amazing feeling.
Trust me, this picture is doing my watch a great injustice, the real thing looks a HUNDRED TIMES CHIO-ER.


It's pretty late now in the night. I have many stuff unrecorded...my thoughts, pictures showing what I look like tonight, the day at Ritz Carlton in xieryl's room, the super Tuesday I had at Sakae, Jurong point and Tiong Bahru Market.

I hope I will still have enough energy left after chemo tomorrow, I always hate it when chemo starts again. Almost a whole week of weakness, pain n discomfort. Somemore this weekend, Deardeer will be with company trip at batam *sobs*

08/12 《江城子》 苏轼

AGAIN!

I know I have blogged today, but I just got this impulse to do it again! Cannot meh :p
So many days of my happy life goes unrecorded...how can!
Gosh my life when without pain is so insignificantly happy, I'm such a materialistic vainpot I love myself so much.
WAHAHHAHAA.

Saw my discipline master's picture from Dunman High in the papers yesterday. He's retiring this year, but he still looks the same! Miss those days man, when I was young, fat, insecure, ugly, lazy, going through puberty but incredibly witty and smart. Now everything is reversed.

《江城子》 苏轼(苏东坡）

十年生死两茫茫 ，
不思量，自难忘。
千里孤坟，无处话凄凉。
纵使相逢应不识；
尘满面，鬓如霜。

夜来幽梦忽还乡，
小轩窗，正梳妆，
相顾无言，唯有泪千行。
料得年年断肠处，
明月夜，短松岗。

Suddenly thought of this poem by my favourite poet Sotong Ball，I have so much to talk about him and this poem but my mum's pressing me to get ready for blood test at NCC!
Tao Yan lah!!! I'm in a poetic mood. Blog again tomorrow...hopefully, cos I'll be having Chemo tomorrow and deer will be at Batam with her company :(

08/12 A FEW MINUTES OF MY DOCTOR'S LIFE

Beautiful Dr See was so busy she gotta put me in another room to wait for me. Luckily that day Deer took off to accompany me for chemo, she manage to help me take pictures and also got to see my beautiful doctor.

Since Dr See was not in the room, 'mai tu liao'!!!
This is me sitting on her desk pretending to look through important documents of my non-existent patients. I know...my arms look a bit fat that day, forgot to flex lah!





Oh no....is this the famous electrocuting bed???




Haha! As a doctor...I need to put my signature on important forms, like giving approval for my patient to kiss her gf in my room etc....wahahahahhahahahaa
See my cute 'Precious Moments' Pink thermos flask? Dearest Mummy boil barley for me to bring out.
Notice my arms are slimmer in this picture? Yeah!!!
(If you look closer, you'll realise I'm not even holding a pen! just pretending to...hee)




Gosh, this is a real weird angle of my face with no make-up...quite ugly hoh, but since I look kinda skinny here, don't mind lah. I was so excited and nervous playing with the stethoscope *scared the nurses see me* gotta quickly snap a picture and be done with it.




Considered for a long time whether I should post my mummy's picture in this blog, finally decided it should be okie bah, I don't think any of her friends will surf for blogs to read online and discover her daughter is gay and having cancer. What a deadly combi to shock any auntie!


That's my one and only wig I'm wearing in the picture, nice anot? Mok say I look like Alien with the wig...hahahhaha, issit last time that Chen Xiuhuan act in the SBC channel 8 drama series that alien?

My face getting rounder everyday, maybe one day won't be able to fit into the wig le, the fats from my cheeks might burst out from the side like a fat hamster's face.